Tonight was a hard one.
I had the most lovely evening with my husband. good food, good drinks, the kind of night that feels easy and full. and almost the second i walked back in the door, my body turned on me.
part of me always hopes it won’t happen this time. That maybe my body will respond differently. Maybe this is the night it doesn’t catch up with me. It didn’t this time either.
Living with gastroparesis and dumping syndrome
I’ve lived with a chronic illness for ten years now. gastroparesis, mixed with something doctors say is rare to have alongside it — dumping syndrome.
Gastroparesis means your stomach empties too slowly. Dumping syndrome means food moves through too fast. They basically contradict each other, which is part of why it’s so hard to get a clean diagnosis. You can run every test medicine has to offer and still never get a doctor to hand you both answers in the same sentence. I only know this about my own body because of years of piecing the testing together myself.
Some tests showed delayed gastric emptying. Some said the opposite. For a long time, that made no sense to me either.
How Pregnancy Changed Everything
Looking back, I think there was always something underneath, even as a kid. I got sick a lot back then, just not enough to slow my life down. it wasn’t until i was pregnant that everything changed. My body hasn’t been the same since.
ten years. I still can’t quite believe I’m saying that.
back then i told myself i’d get through it, that it wouldn’t be forever. I still believe that, honestly. But tonight reminded me how heavy this still is sometimes.
this isn’t something i get to talk about often. When I say gastroparesis out loud, most people say, “Come again?” So usually I keep it to myself. but i can’t not write about it tonight, because i know i’m not the only one carrying this — during pregnancy or completely separate from it.
where faith fits into the hard nights
I’ve gotten to a place of peace with it. Whether healing comes here on earth or in eternity, I know I’m going to be okay either way. That’s not me trying to sound strong; it’s just where I’ve landed after a lot of years of asking God why and learning to hold on to peace even when the night itself doesn’t feel peaceful.
But nights like tonight still put something on me. I’m not going to pretend they don’t.
So this is just me, putting it out there. not for sympathy. just because some of you are quietly carrying something nobody else understands either, and i wanted you to know you’re not the only one.